Advanced Essay Writing Program with Teacher Feedback - page 10

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Student Written Sample Answer #2 (score of 5 out of 6) Essay Grading and Feedback
School Supplement teacher feedback on student written sample answer #2 essay
1. Clarity of Claim: Introduce claim(s), acknowledge alternate or opposing claims, and organize the reasons and 
Teacher Feedback:
You've done a great job of making a specific claim. Your thesis included the main point, that the iPhone is the 
most important development, as well as three supporting details that lead effectively into your evidentiary 
paragraphs. You also have a relevant counter‐claim, which you've supported with details. A reader knows, from 
the first paragraph of your essay, what you will cover in this paper. Nice work!  
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Some writers prefer to introduce the counter‐claim in the introduction. Think about the possible advantages of 
doing so. Some readers may find it confusing to encounter your counter‐claim so close to the end of the paper. 
2. Supporting Details: Support claim(s) with logical reasoning and relevant evidence, using accurate, credible 
sources and demonstrating an understanding of the topic or text.
Teacher Feedback:
  Overall, your use of evidence is very strong. You did not use outside sources to support your main points, but in 
this case that was not an issue. However, more specific elaboration would have strengthened your argument. For 
example, when you wrote about apps, you mentioned some specific types of apps and how they can benefit a 
user, but when you wrote about photos and videos, while you noted they can be shared with family and friends 
over the internet, you didn't fully elaborate on the benefits of doing so. 
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Try to take a balanced approach to providing evidence. Remember the "rule of three." For each main point, 
include at least three, very specific details. 
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6. Command of written English
5. Conclusion
4. Appropriate Writing Style
3. Cohesion of Ideas
2. Supporting Details
1. Clarity of Claim
   Overall average score
Student Written Sample Answer #2 (Score of 5 out of 6)
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 11,12,13,14
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