Advanced Essay Writing Program with Teacher Feedback - page 11

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3. Cohesion of Ideas: Use words, phrases, and clauses to create cohesion and clarify the relationships among 
claim(s), reasons, and evidence.
Teacher Feedback:
Excellent work using transitional words and phrases to connect your idea.  You used transitions to connect 
related ideas (first, in addition, finally) and transitional terms that indicated contrast (although) to move to your 
counter‐claim.  
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Transitions can also be useful in building cohesion within a paragraph. I noticed that in some of your paragraphs 
you used words like "for example," to introduce supporting details. That's a great strategy and should be carried 
throughout the paper. 
4. Appropriate Writing Style: Establish and maintain a formal style.
Teacher Feedback:
 Great work maintaining a formal, academic style. You did slip into the first person in your introduction, "I can't 
imagine," when it wasn't necessary to do so. Save those first‐person pronouns for personal anecdotes or 
information that is specifically related to yourself. 
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Remember to proofread for inappropriate use of first person pronouns. 
5. Conclusion: Provide a concluding statement or section that follows from and supports the argument 
presented.
Teacher Feedback:
 The conclusion effectively  the paper, but was repetitive and did not effectively review the main points or dismiss 
the counter argument. 
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
A great strategy for an effective conclusion is to return to a theme or idea introduced in the introduction. In your 
introduction you contrasted the present and past. Reminding readers of that contrast with a new comparison 
would have been a strong ending. 
6. Command of written English: Demonstrates good command of the conventions of standard written English 
(with occasional errors that do not interfere materially with the underlying message).
Teacher Feedback:
Excellent work with writing mechanics. Your paper demonstrates a high level of control in your writing.  
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Always proofread your work, even if you're confident about your writing skills. 
General comments by teacher on your essay:
Great with a very strong response to this question. You used relevant and interesting details and made a case for 
the iPhone being the most important  development of your lifetime. Continue to work on connecting ideas within 
sentences and on writing effective concluding paragraphs.
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