Advanced Essay Writing Program with Teacher Feedback - page 3

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Grade 8 Student Written Sample Answer #1 (score of 3 out of 6) 
(Try and note some errors in this students essay while reading this sample
and then compare it to the School Supplement teacher feedback)
Many things has been invented in my lifetime. The most important
is the iPhone because it has a camera, a phone, and a computer all in
one. The iPhone has made many people’s lives better because it has all
of these features.
First, the iPhone has a phone. In the past people had to use
there house phones or big cell phones. Now, they can use there
iPhones, and have three-way calling, voicemail, and use a speaker
phone or headphones too. This makes it easier to make calls.
Second, the iPhone is a camera. People used to use cameras with
film. You have to wait for the film to be developed and you can’t put
the pictures online or email them. Now, you can take a picture and
email it to someone right away.
Third, the iPhone is a computer. You can’t do all the things you
can do with a regular computer, but you can check email and send
messages. You can buy apps and play games or use them to study
different subjects.
However, some people think other inventions, like the hybrid car,
are more important. The hybrid car saves the environment because it
uses less gas. The hybrid car is important, but not as important as
the iPhone because more people have phones than have cars.
In conclusion, the most important technological development of my
lifetime is the iPhone. With the iPhone you can make phone calls and
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