Advanced Essay Writing Program with Teacher Feedback - page 5

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Student Written Sample Answer #1 (score of 3 out of 6) Essay Grading and Feedback
School Supplement teacher feedback on student written sample answer #1 essay
1. Clarity of Claim: Introduce claim(s), acknowledge alternate or opposing claims, and organize the reasons and 
evidence logically.
Teacher Feedback:
You have made a clear and specific claim that the iPhone is the most important invention because it combines three 
features. You also bring up the idea that some people might consider the hybrid car the most important invention.  
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Think about how to elaborate on your main claim and your counterclaim.. It is important to provide context and 
background information so your reader understands your point of view and the purpose of your writing. 
2. Supporting Details: Support claim(s) with logical reasoning and relevant evidence, using accurate, credible sources 
and demonstrating an understanding of the topic or text.
Teacher Feedback:
  You have some details about the features of the phone, but you haven't made the connection to why these features 
make the phone such an important technological development. Remember that the purpose of your essay is to 
convince your reader of our thesis. In the paragraph about the iPhone being a computer, it looks like you disagreed 
with your own point when you wrote "You can't do all the things you can with a regular computer." This sentence 
leaves your reader wondering what kind of computer this is. 
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Be sure that every point you make is intended to support your thesis statement. Add specific and clear details to 
support every main point. Try to follow the "rule of three." For every main point, add three clear and specific 
supporting details. 
3. Cohesion of Ideas: Use words, phrases, and clauses to create cohesion and clarify the relationships among claim(s), 
reasons, and evidence.
Teacher Feedback:
You used basic transitions to move between your three main points (first, second, third) and you used a contrasting 
transition to open the paragraph with your counter argument. Nice work organizing your paper so that the reader can 
follow your argument. 
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
You already know how important transitions are. Now, try to break away from the basic (first, second, third) types of 
transitions and use more sophisticated words and phrases (in addition, furthermore, etc) to connect your ideas. Doing 
so will add variety and interest to your writing. 
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6. Command of written English
5. Conclusion
4. Appropriate Writing Style
3. Cohesion of Ideas
2. Supporting Details
1. Clarity of Claim
   Overall average score
Student Written Sample Answer #1 (Score of 3 out of 6)
1,2,3,4 6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14
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