Advanced Essay Writing Program with Teacher Feedback - page 6

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4. Appropriate Writing Style: Establish and maintain a formal style.
Teacher Feedback:
 You did a good job of maintaining a formal style. You didn't use any slang or informal words. You avoided first person 
pronouns except where they were necessary.  You did, however, use second person pronouns in almost every 
paragraph. 
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Try to avoid using "you" in your formal academic writing. It isn't clear whom you're referring to, and it can distract 
your reader.
5. Conclusion: Provide a concluding statement or section that follows from and supports the argument presented.
Teacher Feedback:
 While you included a paragraph to end your paper, it really just restates your thesis. You reviewed the three main 
points of your essay, but didn't add any conclusions to wrap up those ideas. The final statement about the iPhone "so 
it helps people," seems out of place. It isn't clear how the iPhone helps people. 
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Remember in your conclusion your goal is to synthesize the information you've written. Use all of your great details to 
draw a conclusion or bring up a point that wraps up your ideas. 
6. Command of written English: Demonstrates good command of the conventions of standard written English (with 
occasional errors that do not interfere materially with the underlying message).
Teacher Feedback:
 You had a few errors that accumulated throughout the paper. For example, in the first sentence there is a 
subject/verb agreement error (Many things has); You also have some errors with using their, there, and they're. 
How to improve your essay for this criteria:
Be sure to proofread your work carefully for grammar errors. Pay close attention to subject/verb agreement and the 
use of words that sound the same but are spelled differently (there, they're, their). 
General comments by teacher on your essay:
Good work completing this essay. You did a great job of establishing a thesis and you have the beginning of a strong 
counter‐argument. Continue to work on developing  your ideas with specific details. To maintain a formal style, work 
to avoid using "you" in your writing, and always proofread and revise your work.
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