Advanced Essay Writing Program with Teacher Feedback - page 7

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Grade 8 Student Written Sample Answer #2 (score of 5 out of 6) 
(Try and note some errors in this students essay while reading this sample
and then compare it to the School Supplement teacher feedback)
Fifteen years ago, if someone wanted to be able to make a phone
call, take a photo, or look up something on the internet, she would
have to have had a backpack full of equipment with her, including a
bulky cellphone, a digital or film camera, and a laptop computer.
Today, anyone with an iPhone can do all of these things, and more,
with a device that fits in her back packet. I can’t imagine getting
through a single day without using my iPhone. Without a doubt, the
iPhone is the most significant invention of my lifetime because it
combines all three functions: phone, camera, and computer, into a
single compact device.
First, of course, the iPhone is a phone. It offers all of the
expected functions of a phone, plus some additional features. For
example, an iPhone user can set up a voicemail account, so that
callers can leave a message. Also, the iPhone allows three-way
calling, which means three people, on three different phones can
participate in a single conversation. Finally, the iPhone offers
features to manage calls, such as “mute,” and “hold,” which makes it
easier to talk to someone in the room without the person on the phone
hearing the conversation. These features, combined with the fact that
a user can talk by holding the phone to her ear, by using the speaker-
phone feature, or by using headphones with a built-in microphone makes
the iPhone much more flexible and easy to use than earlier cell phones
and traditional land lines.
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